Family Corner:

From Marital Egypt…

To the Promised Land - Part 2

Creating Safety

So now, how do you get from Egypt to the Promise Land? If you are serious about wanting a thriving marriage, the next key is the foundation for finding the way to attain it. A Promise Land marriage is one where both individuals feel completely safe with each other emotionally, physically, and spiritually. In fact, being in the presence of your spouse should feel like the safest place in the world. This was the most significant thing I learned about in turning our disastrous relationship toward success. Sadly, very few people feel their marriage is the safest place in the world – including those who consider theirs “good.”

What makes safety so important, and why am I claiming this is the easy way to a great marriage? We were all created by God to long for a deep, intimate connection with others, particularly a “special someone” like our spouse. Since the definition of intimacy is two people opening their hearts to each other and sharing who they are, openness is critical if intimacy is to occur, let alone prove satisfying.

When we feel unsafe or threatened in any way, our natural reaction is self-protection. This generally involves closing down, building walls, or distancing ourselves in some way, such as by withdrawal or anger. In order to feel safer, we may even try to change or control our spouse, which makes him or her feel unsafe. A closed heart and spirit makes true intimacy impossible. However, when people feel safe, they generally open up. Why? Because protecting oneself and being on guard all the time is exhausting. Openness requires less energy than maintaining defenses – and it just feels better. And when two people whose hearts are open come near each other, intimacy occurs without any effort.

Sadly, I did many things in the early years of our marriage that made my spouse feel emotionally unsafe. I did not realize I was doing it, nor did I intend for it to happen. Generally, my attitude and behavior was the result of ignorance and insensitivity. For instance, anytime I would get upset with my wife, I would want to share with her what she was doing that I did not like and what I wanted her to do differently. Seems reasonable, doesn’t it?

For some strange reason, she was never very excited about these conversations. After a while, she would want to get away from me and would attempt to leave. Believing that we needed to work this out, I would follow her wherever she went – until one day, she locked herself in the bathroom, climbed out the window, and drove off to escape me. All I wanted to do was talk! But the truth is, not honoring or respecting her right to have space when she wants it is not creating a safe place for her. Neither is seeing her as both the problem and the solution. She did not trust me with her heart, with good reason.

But when I began making her emotional safety a priority, she eventually began to feel safe with me and increasingly opened her heart towards me. Then, when I began taking full responsibility for my own feelings and behavior, it got even better. I am confident today that she feels safer with me than anywhere else in the world. As a result, we now have deep satisfying intimacy in our marriage. So, give it a try. Ask yourself and your spouse how safe your marriage feels, and what you do that makes the relationship feel less safe?

Understanding the “fear dance” can be extremely helpful in stopping the madness when conflict occurs, as it inevitably will. Then focusing on creating safety can begin to move you towards the marriage of your dreams. These two concepts provide a foundation for learning to take personal responsibility as well as caring for yourself, your mate, and your marriage. Each step you take to understand your God-designed “relationship DNA” brings you closer to enjoying a marriage that can become the safest place in the world.

See you in the Promised Land! R. S. Paul

We may give without loving, but we can never love without giving.

Love can never be wasted. It makes no difference where it is bestowed; it always brings in big returns.

The only condition for loving is to love without conditions.

God is LOVE ~ and the “Son of His Love” is His exact representation!