Family Corner:
From
Marital
To the Promised Land
Part 1
Almost everybody
enters marriage with high hopes and expectations for a wonderful relationship. Jenni and I certainly did. We began life together with big dreams for
our future. Unfortunately, in spite of
hoping that “I do” would assure
living “happily ever after,” we hit
some bumps in the road. Familiar patterns
began to emerge in our conflicts. Our
interactions generally felt the same, regardless of what we were arguing
about. Eventually, after 13 years of
pain, disappointment, and frustration, we were in serious trouble! Like the Israelites, we had become slaves of
habit ~ stuck in
But God’s desire
is for our marriages to reside in the Promised Land ~ “the land flowing with milk and honey” (Exodus 3:8). So with His help, our perseverance, and some
divine revelation, Jenni and I have now been married for more than 25 years and
are both thrilled with our marriage. It’s
not perfect, but it is a real life love story, filled with all the components
of an amazing adventure.
With what we’ve
personally learned over the years …we love to help couples learn how to make
their own marriages full of lasting joy, new passion, and renewed hope. You, too, can go from being stuck in
…Most people
can’t believe it’s possible to turn around a marriage on the brink of divorce
in such short a time. But our God is that big, and He is that committed to taking us to the Promised Land. All we do is identify the obstacles, move them out of the way, and stand back and
watch. Few things will build your
faith faster than watching the powerful hand of God transform hearts and
relationships before your eyes.
Understanding
the Fear Dance - All of us have “buttons,”
or emotional hot spots that are connected with our personal core fears. When our spouse pushes these buttons and we
react, we get into what I call the “Fear
Dance,” which describes the basic cycle that has you stuck in
When Jenni (or anyone else for that matter)
pushes my buttons, I react to cope with my core fears. Almost without fail, my reaction will push
one of Jenni’s buttons, and she, in turn, will react. Her reaction will again push one of my
buttons, and she, in turn, will react.
Her reaction will again push one of my buttons and we get into our dizzying dance.
Amazingly, we’ve found that all couples do this dance from time to
time. Once we identify their fear
buttons and reactions and then visually plot them on a chart, they shake their
heads and say, “That’s it! That’s exactly
what we do.”
What does the Fear
Dance look like for you?
1. You hurt. When you’re wounded,
you feel emotions like disconnection, frustration, embarrassment, worry, rage,
etc.
2. You want. When you hurt, you want a solution ~ you want
your spouse to change or do something to end your hurt, thereby giving you what
you want. Your misplaced expectations
cause you to see the other person as both your problem and your solution. When you expect your spouse to fulfill all
your wants, you will be disappointed - and the result will be fear.
3. You fear. You want to be accepted, but you’re afraid you
aren’t good enough. You want respect,
but you worry that the other person will look down on you. Your anxieties actually reflect your wants -
so when you feel your wants won’t be fulfilled you experience fear.
4. You react. To avoid fearing that your wants will not be
fulfilled, you react. You may fear losing control, so you try to seize control. You may be afraid of losing connection, so
you try to seize connection.
Here’s what will end the Fear Dance: Choose
not to react by pushing your spouse’s buttons in an attempt to make him or her
stop pushing yours. Recognizing your own
cycle and being willing to deal with it is the first step toward leaving
R. S. Paul