Being a Christian does not insulate your
marriage from times of trouble. Like every other person walking around
Christian relationships can be ransacked with the pain of infidelity, the cold
distance resulting from bitterness, and the loneliness of conflict. Here are five
things one can do to bring a sense of stability and sanity to a troubled
Christian marriage:
1. Recognize there is a problem.
As a counselor, I am always amazed at the
energy that is spent in denying the existence of a troubled relationship.
Spouses – male and female – will go to great lengths to avoid dealing with a
problem. Problems will be denied, overlooked, or even ignored in hopes that
they will somehow resolve themselves. Sadly, it does not happen, and couples
find their relationship in dire circumstances.
Couple
Tip: Admit there is a problem. You do not necessarily have to agree on the
cause of the problem. Simply agreeing a problem exists can cause a change in
attitude.
2. “Be quick to hear, slow to speak, and
slow to anger.”
James 1:19 reminds us to “Post this at all the intersections, dear
friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger
straggle along in the rear” (The Message). Quick tempers and not listening
to one another is a sure fire way to get into an argument. James emphasizes the
significance of listening over talking.
Couple
Tip: Consider whether you are truly listening to your spouse’s need or
interrupting so as not have to take any blame.
3. Do not make a major life changing
decision regarding divorce.
Then I counsel couples I am always
interested in whether one spouse has already spoken to a divorce attorney. This
often tells me the depth of their emotional pain. Hasty decisions can have permanent consequences. Divorce can always
take place. Reconciliation after divorce requires even more work.
Couple
Tip: If you feel like talking to a divorce attorney, consider talking to a
trusted friend about your motives. Are you making your decision based on
emotion? And if you do talk to an
attorney, do not make any final decision for 60-90 days. Emotions can be very
volatile even for 30 days.
4. Support, support, support
Assuming you both desire to save your
marriage, I encourage you to find some likeminded fellow Christians that can
walk with you during this time. Many churches have marriage mentor programs, or
a pastor who will meet with you. Some of the best advice we received was from
older couples that my husband and I sought out to talk with.
Couple Tip: Dare to
ask for help. It is much easier to isolate than to reach out. No one can help
you if you do not ask for it.
5. Pray blessings for your spouse
Too often, when we are in the midst of
crisis, our prayers remain self-focused. If I shift my focus from wanting
justification for my behavior to blessings for my spouse then my attitude will
become more peaceful. Therefore, I am more amiable and approachable.
Couple
Tip: Write down 15 things you are grateful for your spouse for and share
the list with them either verbally or written.
Being a Christian does not guarantee
your relationships will be wrinkle free. However, God does promise to walk with
us through these times, and provide respite when we need it. (Psalm 23) and
provide hope for troubled marriages.
T. Grable
The love that
sees goodness and beauty in all human nature helps to make goodness and to make
beauty in human nature. To those who
love, even a common person is a human soul, who walks in the transfiguring
glory of their affection. You think a
person dull? An angel has been with you
and you know it not.
Each human soul
is like a cavern full of gems. The
casual observer glances into it through some cranny, and all looks dark, sullen
and forgotten. But let light enter into
it; lift a torch up to the walls; let God’s sunlight fall into it and flood its
open recesses; and lo, it will flash with crystals and amethysts, and each
separate crystal will quiver under the touch of brightness with a transporting
discovery of its own nature.
If souls do not
shine before you, it is because you are bringing them no light to make them
shine! Lift up to them the light of love
and lo! They will arise and shine; yea,
flame and burn with an undreamt glory.
Canon Farrar