This Day, Love the Other
(How to Stimulate a Stagnant Marriage)
The State of Marriage
Marriage: Rarely has any other single word brought such a complete spectrum of opinion and emotion to people. Have you ever met an adult who didn't have some feeling or conclusion on it? Two people fall in love, naively believing the person they have committed themselves to will always be desirable and glamorous. Almost all couples do not remain in such a state of bliss. Inevitably, conflicts arise over “insignificant” issues, at least insignificant to one spouse but important to the other. What happened to romance? What happened to the incredible exhilaration of being in the other's company?
Paul said in his letter to the Corinthians (1 Corinthians 3:12-14);
"Now if anyone builds on the foundation (italics Added) with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw-- the work of each builder will become visible, for the Day will disclose it, because it will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test what sort of work each has done. If what has been built on the foundation survives, the builder will receive a reward.”
Seeing then the instability of the institution of marriage today, one can not help but wonder what happened to the foundation that marriage is built upon. Oh sure, all Christians say that the foundation of their marriages is Jesus. But most marriage 'buildings' do not withstand the fire. So it is easy to conclude that the foundation is really something else.
The unstableness of the marriage foundation is largely due to the belief that love is an emotion or feeling. Love is not an emotion, even though it provokes emotional responses from others. Today's definition of love has been created by the entertainment media; from music to movies, burying true love under a mountain of misnomers and misinformation. Society has created the belief that love is something to be received from someone else rather than be given personally. In her book, The Case Against Divorce, Diane Medved says: “Over the past several years, the one thing we've been taught not to doubt is our feelings… Never mind that marriages crumble because personal feelings were allowed to dictate behavior rather than courtesy and dignity and commitment to one's mate… the problem is that we've come to view feelings as solid and immutable, when in reality, we can shape them and choose them moment to moment” (Page 172).
Why don't our relationships increase in love and affection instead of spiraling downward into the pit of despair? The painful truth is that most people are more interested in making changes in their spouses rather that making changes in themselves. Rarely will you hear a partner admit that “I am responsible for many of the problems in our marriage.” Spouses often spend most of their time scheming on how to 'fix' their mate in their own image, rather than personally improving themselves and creating a cozy and warm environment in their home. The partner who changes first will be the one who creates happiness that both partners can enjoy. Jesus has shown that love is what you give – not what you get. Phillipians 2:3-9 tells us, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves. Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others. Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus...” Jesus lived a life of giving to others. He has set the standard to be followed. None of us dare knowingly say, “I need this or that out of my marriage”, but instead say “I will give this for our marriage and my partner.”
The obvious, albeit simplistic solution to improving a marriage boils down to one word: Choice. No one ever said that focusing on giving would be easy, especially when our partner may not deserve such gracious overtones. However, your partner can easily say the same thing about you! The first step in conflict is exercising the decision to love your spouse by forgiving them even as Christ forgives you. Forgiveness is probably the most soothing balm for a tortured soul. It heals broken hearts, and can mend a tattered marriage.
To love or not to love; the decision is yours to make with each passing moment. When you give your personal desires over to Jesus, and relinquish your personal claims of your marriage, love will be eventually generated from a fervent heart. Remember always that love is patient. Don't expect results immediately. After all, Godly giving is giving without expecting in return.
Where do you start? This is perhaps the most perplexing question and hardest stage of improving your marriage. One writer I respect on the subject of marriage is Gary Chapman. In his helpful book, “The Five Love Languages”, he gives us some insight into what makes our partners tick. Finding their language will the first step in creating a zealous response, and is the key to unlocking the chains that limit affection between both of you. An interesting aspect of these languages is that couples most often don't rate the languages the same, in fact sometimes completely opposite. So leave your personal preferences behind and prayerfully consider what language inspires your spouse. Here is a brief summary of the five languages:
A verbal compliment, or words of appreciation expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation, such as: “Do you ever look nice in that dress… I really appreciate your taking the garbage out.” Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse's perspective. You must first learn what is important to your partner.
…giving your spouse your undivided attention. That doesn't mean sitting on the couch watching television together….sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, giving each other your undivided attention. A central aspect of quality time is togetherness. I do not mean proximity… Togetherness has to do with focused attention.
A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say “Look, he was thinking of me,” or, “She remembered me.” Gifts are visual symbols of love.
Doing tasks that your spouse would like to see accomplished, preferably without them asking or prodding.
Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It is one of the most effective ways of conveying love, especially important without sexual overtones. Physical touch is most important in times of crisis. If your partner is going through a tough trial, touch from you expresses your care about their situation and can help relieve some of the pressure they feel.
Choosing to love at one's own expense is not easy and is not guaranteed to bring deserving response from the recipient. However, getting a good response is not the point. Honor is the issue here. When you made vows to your beloved, you promised before God to honor them, despite the storms and buffeting winds of life. Honor is something that has no meaning in today's world because society has digressed into looking after selfish desires instead of giving love and respect to the one you are supposed to love. The sooner you choose to give instead of receive, the better off your marriage will be. When your spouse sees that you truly honor them above yourself, progress will be certain. With your efforts and Jesus' touch, romance will have meaning again and that lost excitement and adoration will be stirred up. Only this time, it will be permanent because it is not based on fleeting feelings but on commitment. Once your spouse understands your efforts to bring happiness and fulfillment to them they will reciprocate love towards you, and the romance will be rekindled. Pray daily and allow Jesus to guide you through when you cannot see the next step on the path. He is faithful! After all, he is the bridegroom.
- Andy Weeks
© 2006 Christian Millennial Fellowship
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